Hello Friends, 

I had surgery on Tuesday and it went well. I enjoyed the initial medically induced euphoria after surgery but have weened myself off the big drugs now so I’m much more in touch with reality and my body. Upon inspection (it took me a while to work up the nerve to look at my body) Dr Surgeon did a good job and I am happy with the results of her work.

The initial report was that Dr Surgeon was able to get the starfish out with clear margins. Hallelujah! They were also able to get the seroma and Dr Surgeon knew she hit some nerves so told X that I would either experience numbness or pain, and thank goodness that most of the time it’s numbness. I have gotten some little stabbies here and there, but those have not been a big pain. Hallelujah.

Dr Surgeon installed a drain and that’s been a real learning curve but basically it requires emptying multiple times a day. And the spot where it comes out of my side is sensitive and it’s not fun if I bump it. I have really gotten in the habit of keeping a hand on it when I’m moving around to keep it steady. And every time I sit down, I make sure to situate it. I’m sure I will get used to it eventually, but I have not yet. I also have not figured out a way to situate it so that I can dress without it showing, so excursions from home will be limited for a while.

Pathology came back and confirmed that they got clear margins on the starfish, and the tumor was larger than I expected given the chemo, but I haven’t been able to talk with anyone in Oncology or in the Surgeon’s office, so I don’t know their take on that yet.

Pathology also took apart the seroma and discovered three lymph nodes in there, each with metastatic cancer. Again, this is not too surprising since we knew there was cancer in the lymph nodes – I suppose the surprise is that chemo was supposed to take care of that. I read the Surgeon’s notes and she wants to go in and get the rest of my lymph nodes out as a result. Unfortunately her schedule is tight and I won’t see her until the 31st, and her surgery schedule doesn’t have an opening until August. So basically we are talking about healing up from this surgery, then doing this all over again in a months time, which is… in my view… barbaric.

This is a completely different kind of “hallelujah”. It’s a “this sucks” kind of hallelujah. What Cohen called a “cold and broken” hallelujah… nevertheless. Hallelujah.

I am bummed and angry, with just a touch of self pity. When I learned that the chemo hadn’t been as effective as hoped, my mind immediately jumped to the idea that I had done something wrong, that I could have done more, etc. Maybe I didn’t avoid sugar enough, or maybe I didn’t eat enough kale (that one is for my Dad who hates the stuff). Thankfully I recognized that thinking and realized those were feelings and not fact, and was able to take note of the thoughts and emotions that came and release them. The mental game of cancer is challenging! There are a lot of people writing about what causes cancer and they probably aren’t all wrong, but they also can’t all be right. And so I will do my best to do what I can do, and work at removing fear from the equation over and over again because fear that I am not doing this right is not going to help.

Years ago I heard a guy speak about the toxic systems of this world and how we are all a part of them whether we want to be or not. I had never heard anyone speak like he did, and I set about removing myself from systems as much as possible, and this is something X and I have been intentional about. And when he prayed, he somehow said one phrase, but he said it repeatedly. Again, I had never heard anyone pray like that and I remember how powerful it was because instead of a mass of words it was only a few and they went down deep. So recently I have been echoing that prayer I heard him pray more than a decade ago. “I am coming alive and fear is being shed from me.” It’s a prayer that recognizes the nearness of Jesus and who He is for me in this season. I am coming alive at a cellular level, and fear is being shed from me, this is the work of Jesus in each of us.

Hallelujah.

Monday I will try to connect with the Nurse Navigator in Dr Surgeons office and she will walk me through the pathologist report (which I have already read). Tuesday I have an appointment with Dr Oncologist and maybe she will have some suggestions on how I can get on a surgical schedule sooner. And God will do what only God can do.

God will move mountains for each of us who need a way through. God knows. God sees. We are held in Everlasting Arms.

Sending love your way,

Carmen