It’s a random Wednesday in August, and I’m scheduled for surgery this morning to remove more lymph nodes because these little body beans (Dr Surgeon drew them looking like kidney beans as she was explaining things) have metastatic cancer in them, so they gotta go. I am feeling the stress. I like to get things pretty squared away before surgery so that I can just take it easy afterward, but that’s not going real well this time. Cancer limbo.

Dr Oncologist is hiking in the Albanian Alps (I didn’t even know Albania had a piece of the Alps) and I have not been able to reach the staff in her office to answer a question I have… which is: when does radiation begin, during this next round of chemo or after? I’ve already been through normal chemo with the 6-7 hour infusions and hair loss and nausea. This is a much more targeted kind of chemo, the infusions are an hour, the side effects are minimal, which all sounds great. But I don’t know whether radiation comes after this chemo or during it, and I have been unable to reach someone who can answer that question. Cancer limbo.

I’m starting this new round of chemo (16 rounds every 21 days) on the 28th, and grad school classes begin the 29th. I’m trying to decide if I can handle going back to seminary with the treatment schedule ahead. So I don’t know if I would be trying to take classes around a daily radiation treatment at the Hahn Cancer Center for 3-6 weeks… Or if I’m only working classes around a chemo treatment every 21 says. So far no clue, and that is cancer limbo.

The financial aspect of cancer has gotten pretty chaotic and I have zero tolerance for chaos. I have a number of doctor offices that didn’t present their bills to my insurance company and they’re coming after me instead. I spent some time on the phone with them trying to get that stuff sorted out so they can present those bills to my insurance. Then they say to simply disregard the bill on my desk, lol. (As if) But in the mean time I am getting collection calls and letters, and I’m increasingly concerned about interest and fees being added to those medical bills. We live very simply and don’t have a lot of financial stress, or didn’t until this cancer journey. Cancer limbo.

Our church has been talking about helping us with medical bills since back in January, but we don’t know when fund raising might happen, or how long it would take to connect the dots to get these things paid off after gifts have come in. I hope we have not been unwise in waiting around for something to happen on that front. Cancer limbo.

I have also applied for financial assistance from Sentara, and that also takes a while to come back, and I’m not even sure if we meet the criteria. We are entrepreneurs and we don’t have W2’s and easy ways to assess our income, so I don’t know. Yep, cancer limbo.

I applied for a dream job in mid July, and didn’t even get a response so I’m kind of bummed about that. I’m also kind of relieved because with all the cancer limbo in my life, I just hate the idea of not being able to give my best right now. So the fact that they didn’t even respond is probably for the best, but it’s frustrating not to even make it to the interview stage. More cancer limbo.

The next two semesters of seminary include an internship and I tested the waters on two placements, but those didn’t work out. But then my professor mentioned an option that sounded amazing, and I was totally stoked. I hadn’t heard anything for a while until this morning that the individual in question already had enough on her plate and was passing the buck to two other potential people. Guess what? More limbo. If I can’t find an internship option that works for me, then I need to change my seminary class schedule. And as much as I would like to have this squared away and off my desk, that’s not going to happen. Cancer limbo.

My health insurance company changed at the first of August because my grad school changed policies. I had a lot of trouble getting information from the agent, and the change caused delays in my treatment. I was so fed up that I finally decided to shop around and find an alternative to insurance through school. God used that frustration to guide us out of that situation and into a MUCH better policy, without the educational requirements, and all for A FRACTION of the price. That was a HUGE improvement for us, and we are super grateful!

So is all this other frustration God guiding us out of these other situations and into something better for us? Cancer treatment is a given. Jesus is a given. My Austrian is a given. (Maybe not in that order.) Everything else is optional.

I was offered a job yesterday and we laughed because she was pretty unclear on what she was offering and I was pretty unclear on whether I could fit the work in my schedule because it all just looks like one gigantic question mark right now. But maybe that is the sort of thing that could get medical bills squared away, and I’m good at it. And the people are awesome.

Seminary and internships… that’ll all still be there when I am strong again. Maybe these decisions are the reminder that I don’t have to go to school while in cancer treatment, but I LOVE grad school! And I would lose my group of classmates that are progressing through the formation classes with me, and that would suck. But I also like being able to focus on my education and get the most out of my investment, and that’s challenging right now.

So today I am looking around at our state of cancer limbo, and I am looking for ways to get my autonomy back. I’m looking for ways to remove the jumping of hoops to prove my value. I am opening myself to other options. I’m holding grad school loosely, that’s a dream I have had since youth but it doesn’t have to happen right this minute. It’ll be there when I am strong again.

Even as I write this post, which is essentially one big long howl that cancer has upended my world… I am so grateful for the many individuals who have bravely found ways to love on us through this. A friend drove in from hours away and hugged the stuffings out of us Monday and that was beautiful. Another friend who is going through challenges of her own sent a card with a check inside. A friend dropped by with a loaf of gluten free sourdough bread, flowers, and a pair of earrings and hugged me tight. Other friends have sent cards with money inside, and we are blown away every time. Another friend asked my Austrian how things were going – not looking for the sweet shallow answer but the real honest answer. And then he pitched in and helped in just the way we most needed at that moment. Another friend dropped by and chatted and helped my Austrian troubleshoot the brakes on a car. My family gathers around a table each Thursday evening to munch something lovely and remind each of us at the table that we matter, and the hugs are tight and strong. These Jesus-with-skin-on moments mean the world to us!

So yeah, the frustration is real! And none of us have to be Wonder Woman through cancer. We don’t have to keep doing all the things and pretend none of this is getting past the shield, because it eventually does and that’s ok. I’m making adjustments. I’m taking some things off the schedule. We appreciate the people who dare to dive into the uncomfortable waters of trying to be helpful. And for those friends who don’t have the bandwidth to be present right now (and we have all been there) I completely understand. You don’t have to be going through cancer for life to be feeling pretty overwhelming.

The alarm will go off in a few minutes and I’ll get up and get going so that we can get to the hospital on time. We will get through this surgery and get it behind us and healing will come.

We are held by Everlasting Arms.

Sending so much love your way,

Carmen