A week ago I had my third surgery of the year, and they took out more lymph nodes. Of the 11 body beans they took out this time, only 1 had cancer in it, and it’s cancer was contained within the bean. I could use the medical lingo but no, I don’t know how to spell any of that and I don’t feel like getting up and finding the paperwork with all that info so… fine – ordinary people words will have to suffice. Sounds like they’ve taken out a total of 16 body beans, and 6 of them had metastatic cancer. I have not chatted with one of the doctors since then but we are going to call this a win. The starfish is gone, and the body beans are gone, and I have awesome scars that prove my body is buttoning up after all that mess.

After my second surgery I had a lot of numbness in the area, around my side and down my arm to the elbow. Much of that slowly gave way to soreness or the feeling of being kind of bruised, though there are still some chunks where I have no feeling at all. Thankfully the 3rd surgery didn’t add any new numb patches, for which I am hugely grateful.

These surgeries have shortened the range of movement I have with that arm, but once this last incision is healed I think I can slowly begin to work at regaining what I have lost there. I have physical therapy on the schedule coming up in September and October, so hopefully I will eventually be able to get the full range of motion back on that arm.

Initially after surgery I was holding my shoulders high in a stressed position because as I lowered them I ran into the armpit area and the awareness that something there felt very strange. It wasn’t pain exactly, more of a strange fullness given the chunks of numb body area. It has taken me a while, but I have stopped taking the pain medication and I think my shoulders are generally more in a relaxed position these days. Thankfully, my Austrian was repeatedly able to work the stress out of my shoulders, which is a huge help and blessing.

I have spent a good bit of my recovery time this week working on conversations with medical offices that didn’t present their bills to my insurance correctly so they didn’t get paid, and they came after me instead. There’s quite a bit of money in that category that I hope can get sorted. I have made the calls and written the letters and keep watching the websites to see if any of it has actually made a difference. Not sure yet.

I have a routine to empty my drain multiple times a day. We record the amount of liquid, strip out blood clots that plug up the line, clean up after leaks, and try to keep it untangled and safely out of harm’s way. I am a old pro, and I can do it all by myself now, but I don’t love this thing. I’m always holding it when I’m walking around outside – that’s now second nature. And every time I sit or stand, I readjust it’s location to my liking. It’s like the cross body purse you can never put down, it’s just awkward, it can catch on things and it ruins the line of the clothing. Thankfully my body no longer sends me big pain signals any time I touch or bump it, so it has gotten a lot easier to handle over the last month.

I wrote last time about “cancer limbo”, and I still don’t know if I will be starting radiation this year. And because don’t know that, I don’t know how to plan for grad school. In fact, I generally feel like the limbo has gotten in pretty deep. I don’t even really have a sense of what I really want out of life aside from kicking cancer on it’s arse.

I told my Austrian that this is the time to move to France, or Spain or something. It just feels like the time to get ready for big momentous changes. But I was already living the life I wanted before cancer entered like a car running a red light and t-boned my ‘69 Karmann Ghia convertible. I still want to travel and live in a tiny house community and have a huge organic garden, but all of that can come when I’m stronger.

I keep thinking that I will soon want to get back to work. I’m just not sure about the work to be honest. I’m not sure about grad school, I’m not sure about anything right now except a vague niggling desire to continue to write. I’ve got a second book coming out in September but my ambivalence about it is really pretty shocking. I think the message in this book is a good one and I really needed to get it out of me to make space for the next one. I think the problem is that I let this book take far too long, that wasn’t good.

So what is the next thing? Is it time to get going on book #3? I still have at least a year of treatment with the next round of chemo, radiation and at least one more surgery, so we will be at this a while yet. I know the time will fly. Even when the days are slow, the years go fast! I will soon have this drain out, these scars will continue to heal, and I will get stronger.

I don’t really quite know what I want right now. I don’t quite know what doors are open ahead. I have quite a bit of treatment that may continue to interrupt the continuity of my life. The slowness in my steps right now may have to wrestle with my impatience, but I do not have to prove my worth by what I do. I already have value as one made in the image of God. And so do you.

Sending love your way,

Carmen