I wasn’t sure going in how this first week of radiation would be. I preached in class on Thursday of last week (Sermon 1 is 20% of my grade) which went well. Then I was scheduled to preach in Seminary chapel on Tuesday (Sermon 2 is also 20% of my grade). Here’s the thing – I was also scheduled to start radiation on Monday. I didn’t know if I could do it.

Turns out, I did just fine.

Isn’t the Lord kind?!

And yeah, I was tired afterwards.

I decided that I am a new creation in Christ, and my new creation self would have exactly zero performance anxiety and would be completely confident about preaching. And the funny thing was – I really wasn’t nervous. It was my place and my time and I knew it. File that under things that’ll shake your world if you really think about it! I think there is more to being a new creation in Jesus than I had previously considered! I am really going to be thinking about that more! Mindset is everything!!

Secondly, starting radiation was something I have looked forward to with a lot of fear and anxiety for quite some time. I considered backing out for a while, but I spent some time in spiritual practice and really felt like God would be with me through it. One time driving home from one of the radiation prep appointments I had a Holy Spirit bucket of peace just splash all over me, such a cool feeling. I knew then that I was going to be ok. And a number of times in my journaling I have felt the presence of Jesus protecting my body through this therapy. I even saw myself in a capsule of light on the table, and each time I take in a deep breath and hold it – I am breathing in heaven. I continue to walk out my healing, even when I’m scared. I am not alone.

Since the location of the cancer was not far from my heart, there is a specific way they do radiation that puts as much space between the target area and the heart. That means I take a big deep breath in and hold it, the machine makes it’s clunks and buzzes, then when they tell me, I let out that breath. It’s surprisingly easy. And hey, keeping that heart safe is important!

In the time leading up to radiation I asked a lot of questions, I asked to see the room where radiation happens. I met a lot of people, staff and volunteers and everyone was lovely. I went to physical therapy religiously so that I could regain enough range of motion that I would be able to assume the position where my arms were over my head and out of the way of the machine and radiation beams. And when it came time to be on the table, I did my best to relax and just settle in, and it was fine. I was fine.

You don’t see the radiation or feel it, the machine makes funny noises, but they quickly begin to feel very normal. And the way the thing orbits me felt claustrophobic for a minute and I immediately thought of the line in the Elevation song “it may look like I’m surrounded but I’m surrounded by You.” And so I continued to silently sing that song in my head and I quickly came back to a place of peace.

In the appointments that lead up to radiation I got six tiny tattoos that help them get me into the same position each time for 20 treatments over 4 weeks. I expected that to really hurt. One I didn’t even feel, four I felt but it was no big deal, and the last one hurt a little more because it was in my arm pit. The pain was over very quickly with no lingering pain whatsoever, and that’s how it so often is. I expect something to really hurt and am surprised when it wasn’t anything close to what I expected. The biopsy, the drain removal, the tattoos… the pain levels have been remarkably low, far less than expected. I mention that in case you’re going through something similar – I want you to know that the pain is never as bad as you expect. Dread of pain is one of my least favorite aspects of spending so much quality time with doctors, but again, so far it has always been much less pain than I expected.

Monday for the first radiation session it took about 45 minutes with the measurements and working to get my body all lined up with the tattoos and sharpie marks. By Friday it only took 15 minutes all told, I was in and out in a hurry. Now that’s progress! I think we are in the groove now.

I have been feeling a sore throat, some exhaustion after a certain point in the day, and also some difficulty coming up with the right word after a certain point in the day. The spot being treated feels a bit swollen. I have had a fleeting headache now and then just for minutes at a time. So far I think none of that is a big a deal. I have energy in the mornings and maybe as far as lunch, but then in the afternoon I gravitate to my recliner. Thankfully I can still write blogs from my recliner!

Some of the range of motion I gained in physical therapy disappeared in the first few days of radiation. I have been working at doing the exercises my physical therapist taught me and gently stretching whenever I think about it. When we are watching some BritBox in the evening, I will be working at just laying some pressure on those parts to get that range back. She said most people will quit when they feel some pain and not be bold enough about it, so I am trying to keep that in mind. Three surgeries in that arm pit really means I need to do the work to maintain the range of motion that I got back in therapy.

I have a prescription cream to use before bed each night. It’s super thick white stuff that doesn’t want to soak in, but Dr Radiation Oncologist said to put it in a cup of warm water and that will thin it down and make it easier to spread. That’s a great hack and it has really helped me get the cream rubbed in each evening. The sunburn symptoms are worse if you don’t remember the cream, so I am remembering to use the cream!

So far so good. We have quickly made it through week one of radiation. I would have to say that one week with a drain is worse than one week or radiation. I’m sure that it will continue to go quite well.

Radiation requires about 1.5 hours of driving each day. Somehow my car always finds a thrift store to stop at on the way home. I think that may be an indication that I am doing just fine.

How about you friend, are you here because you’re researching how it feels to go through radiation? I hope this blog helps. If you have questions or comments, please don’t hesitate to leave a comment.

A friend was driving through the area and met us for lunch. It was so good to see him again. As we were leaving he turned to me and said “you are in my prayers and in God’s hands.” That really touched me.

Friend, you are in my prayers and in God’s hands.

Sending love,

Carmen

PS, I am trying to do a short video each of these 20 days of treatment. I’ll include all five of them here, and of course you can swing by my YouTube channel and subscribe, I’d love that! I also intend to do an additional recording of the two sermons I preached recently, so stay tuned to my YouTube channel for that.