YAY! I am 3/4 the way through radiation! #hallelujah

Monday of this week was a double whammy of both chemo and radiation. Then it was just radiation the rest of the week. It was a lot for the ol bod and I don’t mind it being in my rear view mirror!

Today the exhaustion is intense and I keep wanting to try to DO something. Body says nope! #grr #justbe

Coco is not amused with this gorgeous vivid autumn day and nobody to throw the ball for her. Sorry dog.

This morning I was listening to some guru talk about how time is all we have, don’t waste your time! Successful people don’t engage in entertainment or escapism. Work! Read! Grow! Learn! Hussle! Grind!

#makeitstop

Well I felt a little triggered and snapped off that noise.

I opened my daily email from the Franciscans this morning and they talked about living in contemplation. Whew, the complete other end of the spectrum. Rest. Lean in to spiritual practice. There’s more to life than the constant go go go.

Depth.

Presence.

Inhale.

Exhale.

The frustration that I’m losing a year to cancer is real. Maybe I am grieving the lost time and productivity. A few seconds of that hype motivational stuff really hit a nerve. There is so much I want to do, so many books to write and places to go…

On the other side of that frustration is the absolute wonder over the people I have met, and whole other worlds I now move in with ease in my treatment journey. Many of the nurses and doctors know me now because I’ve been in treatment all year, and it’s amazing to have moments of connection with them along the path of this treatment journey. I know my way around the cancer center, even though that place is a maze! This is not a world I would have ever chosen, but it’s a place that matters full of people who matter. I am actually considering being a volunteer at the cancer center at some point when I am strong enough to handle all the walking. Being present for people with cancer has come to mean a great deal to me.

A friend drove me to radiation and in the course of conversation I turned to her and said “I’m having a great cancer experience” and we just laughed and laughed. I don’t even know what other words to put with that ludicrous idea. How is that even possible? I am. My level of God-awareness has increased. I’m in a more positive mindset than I was a year ago. I’m spending much less time ruminating on scary schnitzel. God has done a lot of healing in my life that can’t be measured by medical imaging equipment.

#gratitude

I have always been borderline workaholic. I have been driven and I have been a doer. Being doesn’t come naturally to me.

My body isn’t giving me a choice today.

Today I am going to sit here not knowing if cancer has rearranged my sense of life purpose. I’m going to sit here not knowing how long it will be until I am no longer in treatment of any form (5 years of medication follow the radiation, chemo that I’m in now and the upcoming surgery). I’m going to sit here not knowing how long it will be until I can complete a decent day’s work, or express an idea without words hiding in chemo-fog. I’m going to sit here not knowing a lot, and also not doing much of anything about any of it.

But even in the not-knowing and the not-doing, my productivity is not the measure of my worth.

I have value, whether or not I get something done today.

And so do you.

Breathe.

It’s ok not to be ok, and not to have it all figured out, and not to be getting much done. You still matter.

You are in my prayers and in God’s hands!

Love you,

Carmen