Four weeks flew by, and just like that 20 sessions of radiation are behind me. I have mixed feelings.

Over the course of the 3rd week I developed a good bit of distracting discomfort in my shoulder. There are lymph nodes in the area of the shoulder blade and my back was turning angry red and I could no longer sleep on my back. The only place I could get comfortable to sleep was in my recliner, and had difficulty tolerating clothing on that shoulder. Thankfully the treatment of my shoulder area was complete. The final week was “the boost” and there would be no more radiation in those painful spots. Just at the point I had had enough, it was over. What a relief!

Now, “the boost” doesn’t really have a ring to it. They mentioned it at the end of week 3 and I went straight home to Miss Google to find out what that was. What Miss Google and Dr Radiation Oncologist later confirmed is that (while it sounds like taking everything up a notch) “the boost” is actually treatment of the specific area where the cancer was (before it was surgically removed). And at the beginning of the week that area didn’t hurt, and at the end of the week it still didn’t hurt. There was swelling, but so far no pain, and that’s good news. It sounded way worse than it was. It always sounds worse than it actually is.

In fact, either I’m getting used to the shoulder and chest area skin irritation, or it has begun to heal. And I’m able to sleep in bed again, for which I am most grateful, and Coco is happy to have her chin rest back.

I have also noticed some skin discoloration in my arm pit, but nothing at all like dramatic pictures I have seen online. I suppose there are benefits to having had those axillary lymph nodes surgically removed, whew!

The exhaustion was pretty unpredictable. Some days it didn’t hit until 3:00 pm. Other days it descended at 10:30 am. And some days it was there in my bones when I crawled out of bed in the morning. As long as I obeyed my body and didn’t try to push through the exhaustion too much, it would pass and I might have a bit of a small second wind later in the day.

One symptom that I had that wasn’t on the list of expected side effects was nausea. I was a bit surprised by that, but it could also have been from chemo. It could also have been from the 1/2 pt of dairy free ice cream, 1/2 bag of chips, and piece of apple pie I had for dinner one evening. Seems petty to even mention details like that, but perhaps I earned the nausea that time. LOL!

My favorite part of radiation was spending time with friends who drove me there and back. That meant so much to me. I want more of those conversations in my life!

Another favorite part of radiation was conversations with people in the waiting room just outside the radiation lab. There is a large waiting room out front, but this space is very different, much more intimate in size and just radiation patients. We were each suited up in the ubiquitous hospital gown. It was a few minutes to compare notes and lend support. I met people with all sorts of cancer in all sorts of locations on the body. Unlike everywhere else in the building, nobody had their noses in their phones. Is it wrong to love a space like that?

I am haunted by the woman I met on my last day who was fighting back tears as she spoke. I regret not giving her a hug, but maybe that wouldn’t have been quite right, I don’t know. I carry her in my heart and pray for her often.

Meeting her was also a reminder that while this has been pretty easy for me because I’m in a good place in my life with hard-won mindsets that help. Not so for everyone. I think that was a good reminder. It makes my heart ache when I think about it. The mental game of cancer is no joke!

My other favorite part was meeting volunteers, especially Frank who is there Tuesday and Thursday mornings. The other volunteers in the radiation department are all cancer survivors and were very open about their stories. I’m so grateful for them. Every day they help people navigate the maze of the radiation department and set them at ease. #everydayheroes

My other favorite part was the radiation techs who were lovely. We enjoyed a good deal of humor and I appreciated them very much. They made it all seem very normal, and of course it was.

I am aware that some symptoms show up after treatment is over. And some symptoms can linger for quite a while afterward. I’m fine with all that but I reserve the right to not be fine at some later date.

Monday morning will come and I will miss going to see the lovely people at the cancer center. I will miss the people watching and the silent prayers for fellow sojourners. And maybe I’ll even miss that prayerful 15 minutes in the zone with the machine whirring and buzzing around me, but it seems ludicrous to even think or mention such a thing.

A healing but slightly lonely day at home will be just fine.

The people in this cancer journey are the best. That includes you here taking the time to read my story. If you’re having an easy time, or if it’s all feeling pretty overwhelming, any honest feelings are just fine. It’s ok not to be ok. It’s ok for it to break your heart a little in places. It’s ok to fall in love with the people. And it’s also ok if it seems easy, like it’s no big deal.

Today, you choose your normal, and it’s ok if your life during treatment looks very different than your life did before. Normal is what we choose to make it. It’s not a loss to see our lives transform to meet the challenges we face.

I’m 11 months into this diagnosis and treatment journey. And while cancer is leaving my body, somehow it has become a part of my heart and identity. Not at all in a bad way, I don’t identify as a sick person or as a victim, that’s not jewelry I will wear. But I will very proudly wear the truth that I have faced things that terrified me at first, and I kept going until they were nothing but normal. That’s the transformative part of this journey that I will carry with me forever. I can do tough things. I can face fear and move through it to peace. That realization belongs to me now.

I own it.

I’m even looking at some tough things I have been wanting to do, some things I have been afraid to do…

Maybe I can own them also.

What tough things are you doing, friend? How about a moment to acknowledge how far you’ve come?

Keep going, friend!

Keep going.

Sending love your way and absolute faith that You. Can. Do. It!

No matter how much it scares you at the beginning.

Peace,

Carmen