Late Tuesday evening I was texting with my surgeon.  She wanted me in surgery the following day and was trying to work out the details because the woman who does scheduling was out with covid.  I was uncomfortable with the idea that the EKG and echocardiogram were not done, I didn’t understand the three procedures I was facing, and scheduling via text message after 8 pm the night before potential surgery seemed unprofessional.  

So I said no.

Well, now I wonder if I made the right choice.  When I did finally look up one of the procedures… I began to experience DREAD.  I’m sure you know the feeling, and it’s not fun.  I could have been past this part but noooo… “everything decently and in order” was what I wanted.  LOL!

Note to self, only look up the fine points of a procedure at the last minute.  Make that a policy, ok? #ignoranceisbliss  

Actually, we both know I won’t do that.  I enjoy the process of research!   I want to understand what they want to do to my body, and how it’s done.  In this case they will be using a dye that is visible in imaging to light up my lymph nodes, so I will need to be supporting my immune system and liver function to get that toxic dye out of me as quickly as possible.

Anyway, I do know I made the right decision because I would have missed Formation class and that would really have sucked. So it worked out just fine, and the dread will also be over soon.

Wednesday morning I spent a good bit of time on the phone with the various departments getting the schedule sorted out. I still have not been able to get through to the genetic consult people to get that appointment scheduled, and I have also not been able to get through to the gastroenterologist office to reschedule that appointment that is currently on the same day as the first chemo. My dance card is full! Scheduling is complex – yo.

Wednesday afternoon I was in Formation class listening to the amazing life stories of my classmates, and sharing my own.  Last semester we gave our 0-10 year life story, and then later we gave our 10-20 year life story.  This time we were talking about our 20-30 year life story.  This was one of my favorite parts of this week.

I didn’t feel at all prepared for class given this medical invasion in my schedule. But as I was driving north, I looked around for Jesus and there he was in the passenger seat of my old Benz.  I asked for help with the presentation and I sensed that He was woven all through the story I would be telling.  That was comforting because my 20’s were a complex time with some real highs experiencing Presence and prophetic ministry, and some devastating lows surrounding infertility and incredible misogyny in the church.  Nevertheless, somehow I have always known instinctively that when people could not be there for me, Jesus would be.  

Ever wonder what we can’t see that’s still super real?  Ever wonder to what degree events are shaped by unseen hands in our favor?  Well, I think putting off the surgery to a later date, even if I experience a bit of dread… I think that’s a God-thing. 

I know the community of The Three (God, Son, Spirit) are profoundly woven into the fabric of my life: past, present, and future. They are with me, and no matter what I dread. I am not alone.

And neither are you.

Sending you so much love and a little reminder…

Look around for Jesus.

7 responses to “I said no”

  1. Debra F Avatar
    Debra F

    There have been numerous times when I felt Jesus sitting in my Jeep front passenger seat, so I know how you must have felt.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Carmen Shenk Avatar

      What a blessing!


  2. Cindy Avatar

    Thank you, Carmen. Lovely, thoughtful post.


  3. Ron Baer Avatar
    Ron Baer

    Powerful! Keep us posted. Jesus isn’t the only one with you.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Carmen Shenk Avatar

      Thanks Cousin. 💕


  4. Dina Van Lear Avatar
    Dina Van Lear

    I’m following your journey. Sending love.

    Liked by 1 person

  5. Holly Avatar

    Beautifully expressed, Carmen. Thank you for sharing your heart and faith journey. Your humor reminds me so much of your beloved daddy. Love you, Holly

    Liked by 1 person

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